My sheets look like a crime scene.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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