guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
