please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Randomize
