I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
