Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
