We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
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