1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
