could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
