My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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