Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
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