I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize