There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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