When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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