is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
