I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
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