i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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