if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Brb crying the tears of my youth
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
