I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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