Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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