mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
