I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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