One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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