Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
