I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
