dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize