So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
