When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
