He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
