I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
You pole danced in your parka.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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