He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The uberlube is also flammable
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
