eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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