i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
