i would punch a child for taco bell
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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