I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Is it because I queefed?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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