Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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