you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
