I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The struggles of a small town man whore
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
