i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
i out mim tonsoeep
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