On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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