Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
