Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
