Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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