dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Randomize
