When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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