I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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