I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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