What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
