dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
