totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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