the condom got lost in my hair
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize