The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
