Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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