you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
