I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
