oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
me + whiskey = a bad person
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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