Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize