So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
