you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
